Crack Comics Logo  

Dazzler #30

Dazzler gives us the Beware stamp on the cover, the surgeon general warning in the UPC box, and we also get a nice drawing of Ralph Macchio dressed as Dazzler in the corner. I noticed that Ralph in the corner as Dazzler also had armpit hair which still did not prepare me for the story I was about to read.

Dazzler is aboard a plane that was attacked by another plane that she had taken out with her amazing powers of turning sound into light. The pilot of Dazzler's plane has been shot in the chest and is unconscious, so Dazzler goes to find the only other passenger, Roman, a showbiz legend. Roman had bumped his head in the commotion of last issue, and when Dazzler wakes him he wants a drink, and he wants to hit on her. So far, so good. It turns out there are two parachutes so she straps one on him and shoves him out, then attaches the other to the pilot and jumps out while holding on to him. She then uses her powers to make a burst of light to attract attention of nearby police to rescue them. After she makes sure everyone is all right in the hospital she gets a ride from the police. Dazzler is staying with her step-sister's dad who is an agent. He does not have too many morals, and wants to capitalize on everything that just happened to her in the plane. Dazzler can't believe this and leaves after a confrontation with him and her step-sister, Lois. While walking in the rain a car pulls up and offers Dazzler a ride. It turns out the driver is "Ralph" who is on his way to a comic convention in San Diego. He drops her off in San Diego and since she looks like she has no money, and because he has so much money, he gives her twenty bucks. I am so far in absolute awe at how good this comic book is, and we are only on page 9!

We are then treated to a page of talk where the pilot of the plane from last issue that tried to shoot down Dazzler's plane is explaining what happened. I didn't really read that page, but basically his boss now has confirmation that Dazzler is a mutant and a menace and must be eliminated. But the next page takes place in Marvel's office where the assistant editors are running the place. Bob Harris is sitting by the phone waiting for a phone call from Ralph wondering what is wrong. The other assistant editors explain to him that since Ralph is away he can do whatever he wants. Those editors all then leave to take their second lunch of the day while Bob decides he is going to do things his way. Cut to Dazzler waking up in a YWCA and then getting breakfast. She calls her agent to ask him to send some money. We also find out that Ralph had overslept and that is why he hasn't called. When he arrives at the convention he is mauled by fans wanting his autograph and showing their portfolios. We've made it halfway through this book now.

Bob Harris gathers all the freelance artists and writers to inform them he is going to be making big changes. Meanwhile, the army has tracked Dazzler down to the comic convention. I think she is going there to pay Ralph back his money, but the army has set up a strange device that will cause some sort of unexplained problems to any mutant. No one at the convention is really concerned about anything that is going on because there are so many weird people dressed up in crazy costumes. It is good to know that conventions haven't changed much. Anyway, Dazzler seems to be in intense pain barely able to hold back her power. One of the army guys seems to be affected by it as well. Uh oh, I am afraid to turn the page...

One of the army guys suddenly turns into a giant lizard/dinosaur thing and beats up the rest of the army guys. Dazzler uses her powers to destroy the machine, and then the lizard turns to face her for a couple of pages of sound-turned-to-light mutant power action. Dazzler uses her powers to knock over some pillars that collapse half the building on the lizard. She then sees Ralph who she rescues from another falling pillar. She gives him twenty bucks and goes off to find what she calls the dinosaur man. So I guess he was a dinosaur. Ralph then finds a payphone that survived the destruction and calls Bob. Bob is busy telling everyone he wants all word balloons to be colored red, which they are on this page, and he is then handed the phone and has his word balloons turn slowly back to white as he talks to Ralph and order is restored. Dazzler then gets on a bus to head back to L.A.

There is one more page in the book of more funny drawings of Ralph as a smurf, a nun, Mount Rushmore and a few other things. That's quite a lot for one issue, and it was entertaining from start to finish. I think the only other issue of Dazzler that I read was the Secret Wars II crossover. I should review those crossover books someday because those are just as funny.

Back to Assistant Editors' Month

Banana Man Action Figure Assistant Editor's Month
© Crack Comics.